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Depression surprise

Depression and panic

What does grace look like for me during this time?
  • My vulnerability is met with kindness, affirmation, encouragement.
  • Uncovering the "big scary" in my life takes away  its power to control me by exposing it to the living light of love.
  • Grace leads me to embrace who I am as a hand-crafted image carrier of Triune God instead of letting the depth of darkness define these moments in my life.
  • Grace opens the door in my life for encouragement, unfettered love, acts of kindness to come in and flood a life that is parched with desperation.
  • From those who have been in this place to those who have never experienced depression I am given prayer, encouragement, care, concern, hope, reciprocated vulnerability. These are building a breakwater, a harbor of safety, from the onslaught.
  • The guys I do life with jumped into action, without hesitation. They know the path and we walk it together.
  • I was surprised by a phone call from a longtime friend and mentor who did not know I was experiencing depression. God moments like that cannot be scripted.
  • My wife, and best friend is understanding. She has seen it all for 40 years and walks in deep connection with her "Abba-Father".
  • The weeping is less, I have hope within reach. I'm intentional about using recovery disciplines to walk into this, through this, and out the other side. Journaling, phone calls, and not beating myself up with the lie about how defective I am are included in those disciplines.


Abbreviated Backstory----
A person who has had experience with depression/anxiety may see this and know in their heart that what I'm sharing about (coming out of a deep depression) is too quick and too "easy".  

But.... I started psychiatric care at 10 years of age. Counseling and meds for most of my life until 4-5 years ago. Since I am an addiction recoverer I am taking the same disciplines I learned in recovery and am intentional about recovering from depression too. Triune (my name for God) honored my "efforts" by bestowing an amazing gift to me in June of 2013. He declared healing from depression in my life with this statement;

"Rocky, you have more value and worth to me than you realize. I am going to show you your value until you understand."

I then experienced an embrace from Papagod that couldn't be seen physically but was felt internally in ways that are inexplicable with words. These encounters happened periodically for several months. Each time the depth of who I am was revealed a little more.  June 2013 the message I heard was that I am healed of depression. Since I had tried to get off meds numerous times in my life (with failed results and my wife dealing with the aftermath) I shared with her this message about healing. I wouldn't get off meds without a confirmation from my wife. She agreed with this healing and the process of stopping meds took place and I've had over four years of no depression.

So, what is this current depression all about? I can only answer with my experience and with the truth and grace of God. This came into my life three days ago but there are no footholds in my life where this can plant itself and stay. I am a different person at the very core of my identity compared to when I dealt with depression before. The initial onslaught was a major surprise that toppled me over. I am energized with this scripture;

  • 2 Corinthians 12: 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Inner strength rises to meet the challenges of inner turmoil. This inner strength that is arising is "the power of Christ"!

The power of Christ infiltrates through my weakness and rests upon my life! My contentment is found there, in His resting power. Contentment becomes a peaceful dwelling place of satisfaction. A life of contentment doesn't sound all that glamorous, it doesn't mix with our culture of going after success with all we have but, in essence, it is our garden in Eden, where we can rest with Triune. If the vast expanse of my inner life is filled with contentment then there is nothing there to attract depression. There is nothing there to give room to overwhelming disappointments. Contentment in the context of this scripture has its place in my weak places where God's grace lives, where Christ's power rests. I love that His power "rests" upon my life. Rest also means “makes his home” so His power makes its home upon me!

I am moving into contentment. I am recognizing where Christ's power lives in my life. I see that this depression is temporary. Papagod’s gift of healing was not revoked. It is being tested. It will pass the test.
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